My God, how do I put the way I am feeling right now into words? Betrayed, hurt, embarrassed, etc.

Before you left I had it in my mind that we would never be anything ever again because you didn’t feel the way that I felt about you. I knew that you wanted to be with other people and not me. While you were gone, I began to accept the fact that you and me would never be together again, but I always kept hope that, maybe one day, you would realize how perfect we would be together and you would come back to me. I kept that hope alive for a reason, or at least that is what you made it seem like. A few weeks before you came home, you texted me and told me that you realized that you loved me and that you wanted to start a life that included me again. I was ecstatic! I was so happy that you finally came to your senses and you came back to me. Once you came home, everything changed. You never again told me that you loved me, instead you were “confused, but you meant what you said”. For one, what the fuck does that mean? Two, how can you love me one minute while you are gone and then be confused the next moment when you come home? I don’t understand that at all.

You ignore me constantly, you tell me you don’t want to talk to me, you hang out with other potential girls. You text me and apologize, you tell me that you didn’t mean any of what you said, you let me open up to you, you comfort me.

Thursday night was the Baccalaureate service for seniors- and being a senior, of course I went. The sermon was beautiful and not too centered around religion, which is my type of sermon. After Baccalaureate, I went out to Dunkin Donuts with my friends. That was a lot of fun, even though my coffee sucked. Even though all of that was so wonderful and memorable, I will forever hate that day.

You called me at about 10:30 asking me if I wanted to hang out with you, and of course I did. I would have done anything I had to do to hang out with you too, and you know that.

Today, I found out that you and your shit friend did it as a joke. How could you do that to a person in general, but especially to me? A girl who you planned on having such an amazing life with. A girl who you wanted everything with, from constant text messages to meaningless conversations to weekends spent together to planning a life together. How could you sit there and be so sincere when I told you how I feel over FaceTime and you sat there and saw me bawl because of how I feel about you and us and myself.

I told you how it hurt when you left me. I told you about the depression I went through after you left me. I told you about my outlook on life after you left me. I told you how I hated myself for months after you left me. Did it not fucking sink into your head when I said that I feel like I am going back to that time? Did you not think that making a joke out of me and the immense love that I feel for you would add to the amount I already hate myself? Did you just not care? I cannot even think of a small thought that would make you think it is okay to make a joke out of somebody who is so helplessly in love with you. I do not understand what the fuck goes through your mind and what you think makes it okay to hurt me like that. I do not understand why you think you can just sit there and use person after person and not care about how it effects those people. You can’t just walk all over a person without expecting them to get thoroughly pissed off. You can’t just morph somebody into a person who you would fit so well with without expecting to be with them forever. You can’t just plan a perfect future with somebody without expecting to actually follow through with it. You can’t just make so many promises to somebody and break them without expecting that person being upset about your broken promises. How can you be so heartless?

I feel so fucking alone.

shadowrawrs:

strawberrydaydreams:

do you ever hate someone so much but you don’t even have a valid reason

you’re just like

no

And then they give you a reason and its like

(via bonghitz4jesus)